I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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