Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
