the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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