K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
