i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
