Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
