PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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