I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
