If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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