i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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