I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Randomize
