im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
