God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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