if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
