He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
