A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
