apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
