i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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