i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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