what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
