Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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