the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
