Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
