Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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