dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
In America we eat man semen.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
