Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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