My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
