i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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