I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
