How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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