My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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