Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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