You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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