tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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