She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
