I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
