Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm like, not good at living.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
