she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
