I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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