we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
how drunk are you?
Several
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
