If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
