oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
