What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
