I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
