I hate your face
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I did not marry a roomba.
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