I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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