i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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