I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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