my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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