Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
