11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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