My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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