I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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